Eight Things I Hate About the Y
1) The Music

I actually was sort of enjoying Tainted Love. But then someone had to come in and turn on the CD player, drowning out the Y's offerings from the 80s. And some guy wailing out "Shake your booty" hit just a little too close to home for this mother of a newborn.

2) The Clothes

Unless I want to exercise within my own private sauna, I am forced to shed my protective outer layer of clothing. Not that anyone would ever look at me and think, "I bet there is a perfect size eight hiding under all those layers." I'm just not prone to accentuating my, uh, shapeliness.

3) The Other People

If I'm going to be subjected to Kool and the Gang's Celebration, please let it happen at home where I can sing along in my enthusiastic and mocking way. Celebrate good times? With my booty shaking on those stair step things? Not happening.

4) The Baby

Look here, young man. I know you are too young to understand, but you were my ticket out. Sure, I hoped you would sleep for twenty minutes or so while I got in the first part of a workout. I wasn't expecting a whole hour. . . nor was my poor body. It hasn't done much other than cart you around for the last six weeks. Longer, even. But the one time I expected you to cry. . wanted you to cry. . .you left me hanging.

5) The Clothes, take two

My oh my do people dress up to go to the Y. From the trainers to the coordinated spandex suit (complete with a smart little matching jacket to throw on as they leave), these people know how to sweat in style. I, on the other hand, am left in a seven year old stained T-shirt from a neighborhood clean up project and a pair of sweats that aren't entirely sure they want to stay on.

6) The Televisions

Strolling along on the treadmill is a nice enough activity, and I'd kind of like to look out at the geese swimming in the little pond below. Instead, the view is almost completely obstructed by a wall of televisions. So I watched Martha Stewart, some celebrity baby show and one of those People's Court type shows. All at the same time. A very mind-numbing experience, but I did learn one thing. The idle chit chat on shows like Martha Stewart goes from mildly amusing while listening to it, to a tedious, how-do-these-people-make-it-on-television sort of boring when reading the closed captioning. Ugh.

7) The Baby, take two

Okay, never mind that betrayal bit. He's my baby! And about the time Martha was gluing a comb to her rooster, I realized this was the longest I had ever been away from him. My baby! Why can't a car seat sit in front of a treadmill? I'd happily stare at him all afternoon, ignoring all three television shows and the geese in the pond. I just want my baby!

8) The Scale

Suddenly it gets competitive. There are numbers and goals. And tortilla soup. And I can't forget that I was in this same place last year until I found out I was expecting a little bundle. I had such great success. Not only did I completely dominate that tortilla soup thing, I managed to gain four pounds the first two weeks. That was before the soup and before the pregnancy even. Not terribly encouraging, that cold metal contraption in the changing room. Come to think of it, was it the scale humming out The Violent Femmes in that low, almost seductive, tone?
"Yes I think I want to hurt you. Yes I think I want to make you cry..."
Did I mention the music?