The night calls
Wow, has it been a busy week. I can't believe I haven't posted since Friday! Halloween seems like it was ages ago. And the amount of sleep I have gotten since then...well, unless talking about sleep will help, perhaps I just shouldn't remind myself.

It is late even now, well past even my normally late bedtime and here I am. Listless and restless and it has absolutely nothing to do with the election. Just in case anyone was wondering.

I have always struggled a bit with insomnia. As I joked in my first bio for an article in a Christian magazine, I'm pretty good at Proverbs 31:18 (her candle goeth out not...) but not so good at Proverbs 31:15 (she riseth while it is yet night.)

If I see sunrise, I probably haven't been to bed.

And that is the way I have been for as long as I can remember. Recently, however, it has been getting worse.

I like the stillness of the house late at night, love the crispness of the midnight air and am drawn inexplicably by the lonely cry of distant trains at night. The darkness calls and I linger, as if it has something to offer.

A bit of peace, perhaps? A moment to myself? I have always needed time to pull away and from obligations, free from interference, free from other people.

Jesus withdrew to a desert place and called his disciples to do the same, although they still didn't quite seem able to pull away from the crowds. I, too, need time to be alone, but with four children that is a luxury I do not have.

I remember one day skimming through blogs and on one, some moms were joking about running to the grocery store as "me time." I laughed, and then felt a pang of something...something akin to jealousy. If I run to the grocery store, four kids come along. If some homeschool moms from my church decide to have a night out, I stay home for lack of someone to watch the kids.

It isn't something I often think about, nor is it anything I would change. There are benefits and drawbacks to every decision, and the decisions which have brought us here were made wisely. But still...

I think the night is my desert place. And while I sometimes awaken physically regretting staying up too late, even through my slow morning start, I feel restored more deeply than what sleep normally would give me.

I am finally feeling tired, but the house is still. The air is fresh with the smell of last night's rain. There is a crispness to the breeze I've never felt during the day. The middle of the night has come and passed, but still I linger. And wish to linger a little longer.